I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
