im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
