I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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