FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
