I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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