I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
