i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
