I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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