My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
