i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
