he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
