Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Randomize
