My Higher Power is John Stamos
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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