This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
