Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
