My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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