is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
