Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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