Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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