the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
