Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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