How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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