FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize