TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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