My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
