I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
