i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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