george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize