i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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