You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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