my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
