Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
