Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize