So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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