I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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