either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
