How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
