god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
