shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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