I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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