My girlfriend figured out who you are.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
