I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
