none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
