the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
