my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
