Who did Billy Mays play for?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
