Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
