I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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