if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
