I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize