I love black thongs
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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